i feel like shutting myself from the world, away from everyone, just be alone in the dark under pouring rain.

or just take my brain out to let it rest from all those thinking.

dig my heart out for it may feel nothing for a moment in time.

let my body drain out every strength there is as if i could float.

can i not be me for awhile?

i wanna break free from causing more pain.

for my heart is meant to be empty.

for i is meant to be lonely.

i hate myself.

eLaiNe signing off uneasy each and everyday..

been so disturbed lately.

its getting harder and harder to fall asleep.

especially at night, when its quiet.

i'll start to think.

am i just being too paranoid?

i just want all those unhappy thoughts to disappear real badly.

its like they're haunting me.

sighs.

i wish everything never happened.

eLaiNe signing off lost.

i was being criticized badly.

felt? t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e

this person does not look like such that would say such things. words were like spears piercing through. its not that i never try making friends with this person, its just that no chance was given.

let me ask, do any of you judge someone by the looks only?

if any of you who doesn't even know me, how well do you know me about animals?

does grades portray a person's intelligence?

so what if you get 3.0 and above yet you don't even know the principles in life.

its still a failure.

fyi, i DO NOT get a merely 2.0 in my studies. just underestimating me.

ever since that day i saw what was written with my own eyes, i told myself, never to judge a book by its cover, especially humans.

the worst part of it all? my mum was involved.

i hate people who talks about other people's family, especially MY family.

so D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T-F-U-L.

i know i ain't pretty, but does it mean its my mother's fault?!

for all i know, my mum taught me manners.

no matter what i did or said, i do not, i repeat, i DO NOT deserved such criticizm.

it gives NO right to say such hurtful stuffs.

i wonder, have anyone ever look at themselves first before criticizing others?

i'm here to make friends, not enemies.

if you ever hate me then just leave.

p/s: i know you read my blog.

after this, i've learnt my lesson. even a person whom is not even your friend could do so much. no one is worth trusting 100%. even so, this type of friend is no longer worth getting along with.

eLaiNe signing of learning.

i'm really starting to hate my life.

it wasn't good, now its worst.

in addition to that, i'm having pms.

wtf.

fml.

fmw.

oh fyi, finals begins next tuesday.

wish me luck.

eLaiNe signing off cueless.

2 more weeks till finals. another sem will be over real soon. another step closer to work life.

had a short trip with the gang to penang on the 6th-9th this month. had tonnes of fun and gossips. quality time spent. enjoyed.

felt sick last night. better now.

time to rush for the last 2 assignments then head back to pj for awhile. study break after that.

till then. =)

eLaiNe signing off very full.

so many things are changing.

when can it stop?

as we grow older, things are becoming more serious.

no more playing around, fooling around.

its all about responsibilities.

i wanna just stop the time, cause it hurts.

i don't like how things are now, and it is getting worst.

i hate.

eLaiNe signing out hoping time will stop.

"I'm so disappointed in you."

"You're such a disappointment."

thats all i can hear.

but when can i hear this, "I'm so proud of you."

never.

eLaiNe signing off as a failure in life.

i had a nightmare. a very fearful one.

its still in my head. those flashbacks are crucial. they are haunting me.

those words that appeared are going nowhere but to remain in my head.

it makes me feel like avoiding so badly. i no longer feel secure.

whenever i think about it, my eyes will start to tear.

now i know there is no fairytale. its all a lie.

i fell hard this time. i no longer believe in the word 'trust' for i'll be betrayed.

did you know, when you're close to someone;you're hurting someone close too?

no use acting innocent, the world is cruel.

everything can be deceiving.

now i am living in fear. the last and first thing before and after i wake up will be filled with this fucked up thought wish i never had knew about.

i think i'm slowly turning mad in some way. perhaps white hairs will be my evident?

its killing me.

i hate feeling this way.

i just wanna wake up from this dream so badly.

it hurts.

eLaiNe signing off depressed. =(

i have been MIA for quite some time. been busy with assignments and presentations.
however i'm done with 2 presentations so far.

besides world cup is here, therefore more sleepless nights to update myself. pretty interesting. was watching portugal vs spain but left earlier. its 1-o now. spain scored.

anyway i can't really sleep. shall spend some time updating blog as people are complaining. well just a hand full of them. =) well at least i AM updating it now ain't i?

plus it is great to just listen to songs and spent some time to myself. to clear my mind. been kinda messed up recently. confused. its time to find a way out. i really need a ray of light to lead me out. sighs.

but other than that i'm fine. just that i'm having cough for 3 weeks and it is still not recovering. tmr go see doctor. need medicine badly. haha.

i guess thats all for this post.

eLaiNe signing off like this.

hello hello. =)

i'm currently back in kampar. hot day cold night. depends though. haha.

class started and assignments are pouring in like water. only trouble is that we are being separated to different tutorial groups. which mean forming new groupmates.

so far i'm still with the same ppl for 2 subs. 3 more still unknown yet. will see how it goes. individual work is the worst especially when the final year project is out just this morning.

GG.com

so lets get started! but laze around this week first okay? hehe.

eLaiNe signing off hungry.

what day is today? i can't hear you?

YES!!! its 17th May 2010.

so fast another year has passed. i still remember posting this for the 2 of them which are both born on the same day and are both physically TALL. thats right.

"ppl born today wan sure grow pass 170cm!" (jeckshen, 2010)

so i hereby would like to wish,

first,

don't need intro also will know who he is, Mr Tan Jeck Shen.

i like this pic of yours. very cool. =)

so there you go buddies, wishes from eLaiNe T. =)

love you both much! loves hugs kisses. xoxo.

eLaiNe signing off preparing for tmr!

为什么我会那么的依赖你，那是因为我把你 当做我的唯一，最信赖的人。

为什么我在你不给我打电话的时候会很生气， 因为我想要听到你的声音，感觉你的疼爱。

为什么我会爱生气，因为我只是想要你来哄我，回味我们之间的温存。

我怎么那么爱吃醋，那是因为我爱你，而容不下一点你给其他女生的任何一点温柔。

为什么我爱唠叨让你少喝酒，我也知道那不可能，但是我担心你的身体。

我怎么那么多的眼泪，那是因为我将所有的委屈都化做泪水，而把所有的温柔都留给你。

我愿意为你东奔西跑、为你做很多事，只是因为我爱你，而并不是为了显示自己比你强。

我会在很晚的时候打电话给你，不是不信任你，只是突然很想你，想听听你的声音。

我会想要知道你的一切，想为你分担事情，那是因为我只想要自己是你最亲密的人。

当分手来到时，我那坚强的语言后面是多么伤的伤痛！分手后我不是不痛，而是痛到连看到你就会无 法自拔！

我的爱是那么深。一旦爱上就不能自已。隐瞒 的那么深，不要带给你困扰！而自己哭泣！

我的爱！脆弱又坚强，不要欺骗玩弄感情。

当你说不爱我了。我不会缠着你。只要你快乐，我愿意放开你。

在分手后, 我那笑的背后有了多少的悲痛！

如果爱，请深深的爱我，对我负责，给我一生幸福。

如果不爱，请不要享受我的独爱，放开我，让别的男人来给我幸福。

不要挥霍爱情，爱情挥霍完了，就会挥霍了我的生命。

eLaiNe signing off thinking its true.

why am i here today? for more then 21 years of life. what have i accomplished so far? nothing. just another failure. i do not do my parents proud. not to mention others right. i am basically good for nothing. i only wait to eat, to sleep, to go out, to spend, to play. nothing else. i think my life should be given to someone better that will really appreciate it. i only bring pain and sorrow to others. i can even cause death. i found out about that about a year ago though. ain't i dangerous? i can make one lose their live because of me. which means indirectly i'm a murderer. tell me frankly, have i ever make any one of you happy with me around?because i don't think so. i can make people cry, shout, scream, bang, kick, feel bad about themselves, anything that will hurt. i may look decent but in me, its a whole new story. i may be quiet, but in my mind thoughts are building, i mean the bad ones. i may look cool, but in my heart, its raging with emotions you can't imagine. why need a brain when i make no good use of it? why need a heart when i do not know how to care and love. i'm misusing everything i have. i take things for granted. i am selfish. my temper is unbearable. i do not have good looks. whatever i do is just not enough. not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not pretty enough, not friendly enough, not calm enough, not loving enough, not good at speaking, not thoughtful enough, not creative enough, not wise enough, not caring enough, not patient enough, not rational enough, not positive enough, etc. after things i do, i still never learn. and now i also learn that saying sorry is never enough too. sorry can't be always use after coutless mistakes are made, like me. the thing is, i never learn. i can be angry for no reason, not to say no reasons, but for the wrong ones. i only think to myself but not to others. yes i am pretty selfish. what i think i don't like, i won't care. what i think is right, i expect ppl to follow. ppl don't follow, i'll show face. if i'm not interested, i won't listen. if i'm angry, i'll just walk away. tell me, who will want such person to be with? don't you agree if the person would want me is a blind person? i'm brainless and heartless, do i still deserved to be loved? can i just be a nun and be forever lonely as i do not think i deserve to be loved. for whoever that will be with me will not have a happy ending but only fights, dismays, hurt, sorrows, disappointments, frustrations, angry and nothing good. trust me. this is what you'll get. sighs. so much to write. what a long essay. you ppl can choose not to believe, but this is ME. i do no good. i am a nobody.

eLaiNe signing off lost.

this is where i first stepped in to begin my internship. its a PR company by the way.



We had lunch in the near by mall or cafes downstairs. very convenient indeed but it made holes in my purse all the time! except as below. the japanese restaurant - nagomi. rm9 for student - set lunch. very worth eating! =) *thumbs up!*

attended events. this was the only major one. been to dance performances. had to write a review about it though.

now this is where i sat for 15 weeks. my desktop!

My fellow colleagues. my senior - Sue Ying who taught and helped us a lot.

The new staff - Geraldine. our PR senior as well.

The curtains we had to walk under when going to the toilet or the pantry.

The so-called macho with the bottles of water we drink everyday. We change it very often.

The fridge that is ALWAYS empty. or rather left with unwanted stuffs. LOL.

The pantry area. very small with nothing much to eat. mostly biscuits thanks to Munchy's.

Presenting the toilet! a place where i can take a break from work! lazy me. haha.

Erm the storeroom. Acting as a cleaner!

The mirror we always have to stare before turning right in to the toilet. its divided you see.

This 2 fellas are the only person to depend on while working there. we rant together, eat together, leave together, and play together. Thanks to Yong Mun and Joey for going through this whole thing with me. i know we didn like it but we've made it through! hurray for us! =)

So these are the people who work there. minus Sugan a part timer. didn get to have lunch with him yesterday with the bunch. so this was our last lunch together as a team. went back to the office with them to hang around longer as yesterday was the last day for yong mun and joey. it was our extension-ship.

its the end of a not very happy beginning. no. i meant not happy at all.

now its finally the end of it.

so thankful that its all over.

so done with it.

won't miss it.

bye bye.

eLaiNe signing off finally having a good night sleep. cheers!

hello peeps. how's everybody doing? busy till no time to visit ma blog right?

haha. just joking. no one comes to my blog nowadays so no point update too often.

well yesterday was the last day of the 14 weeks long of internship. most of them were so happy counting down. 70 working days are finally over. yippee!

it was for me too. BUT because of some really ridiculous reason, i shall now welcome ahem *a new word i created for this*,

EXTENSION-SHIP!

i've got 4 more days. i have and will wait. try to finish up my job and say bye.

while everyone out there is having fun somehow, i'm stuck with work and final report. lazy to start though. lazy me! will start soon.

till i get my freedom back. adios!

eLaiNe signing off waiting again.

what a day! i HATE!

got the results of my internship, guess what?

someone counted wrongly, from a mark i was not satisfied to a mark which was so much worst!

not enough to get A- already.

then last minute another someone decided to say extend till 30th april and you know what again? I WAS NOT EVEN THERE!

i really don't get it why choose a time to go extend and increas marks when i was not there. fair ar?!

came home sad, took a bath, came out even worst!

got that news and i had to decide if i wanna extend. another 10 more days! 4 months of shit work! being used and taken for granted. hello we are human too kay?!

fine now i've made up my mind to freaking stay and have to worry for another thing. whether the 'someone' will turn up tomorrow to increase mine. if not then back to that low marks lo.

so much for carrying so much magazines here and there, carry newspapers up and down 4 flight of stairs, staying back to complete the work, endless phone calls everyday, and to see that face of yours. now give some shit marks in return! farkingbeach!

making my life so miserable.

eLaiNe signing off hating that person so damn much!

have you ever felt happy and excited that its finally Friday?! cause the weekends are here.

i used to. but just not today! the worst friday ever.

since morning till now. nothing went well. stories you ask?

here.

morning
-received news that i have to attend an event on the 10th which i will be missing out something.
-had bad news from someone far away.

lunch
-no mood to eat. but ate pizza cause my tummy was calling.
-got scolded by boss.
-had to do solo proposal.

evening
-already no mood at all.
-proposal did half heartly then send.

night
-supposed to go for gathering. canceled.
-again fought.

the whole day, basically did not went smoothly. so much bad news. so much work to be done. made someone angry. not to mentioned made another someone worried.

p/s:hey bitch, please don't blame yourself. you helped by calling. at least i release some there. told you some as well. thanks for being there. i really need a true friend like you. love you!

i guess i shall end my night here. tmr yamcha cancel. sunday have to work from 8-12. i wonder whats coming next week. sighs.

eLaiNe signing off really exhausted..

yes people. 3 more weeks for those who are not asked to extend internship! including me!

BUT, there is a possibility of extending till end of april due to an upcoming event.

should i wish or not wish to stay back? still considering.

anyway hi. =)

now bye. nights.

eLaiNe signing off is a mess.

a song i heard and love..its for you



The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

eLaiNe signing off in tears..

hello. =)

been busy with work and holidays lately..lazy to update too!sorry?

had a fun filled cny..got the whole week off..gambled end up no win no lose..haha..credits to hy!

did some crazy stuff..watched movie..L4D2 with whole bunch of cousins..versus mode syok!had my water drinking game..prepared 5 yu shangs in 1 single night..received gifts..and ang paos whee~

about the last 24hours before this..i was that happy girl once again and i missed that..where i once smiled a lot =D

tonight planning to just stay home and relax..going to enjoy 2 movies!

eLaiNe signing off thinking and smiling..

最近我好像迷了路一样.
完全找不到出口,找不到真确的答案了.
想讲的却说不出口,怕伤害了你,怕又开始吵了.
要这样做也不可以
要那样说也不敢
我真的很烦.
烦,因为我无法做对的事
烦,因为我没说对的话
烦,因为我所做的一切都加倍你的负担
烦,因为是我所害的
其实我也很害怕的,你又知道吗?
其实我也会害怕的,你又知道吗?
我很想回到快乐的生活.
回到从前那无忧无虑的当时.
谁能告诉我我该怎么做?
我需要一个答案,一个出口.

eLaiNe signing off lost.

he fell for this girl who seems like she doesn't care.

he needs permission to go out.

all he wanna do is to make her happy.

he shows all his effort but were not appreciated.

he was offering help but she said he was used.

he was giving his all but she did not praise him at all.

all the girl was doing is just making things worst.

he gets angry of the girl because she was upset over tiny little things which eventually became a huge fuss.

all he wanted is freedom yet he's like in jail.

he wanted to make new friends but the girl didn't like it.

he actually had such a girlfriend.

he is facing all these,is he still a guy?or was he wrong to have this girl?

eLaiNe signing off not knowing what to say..

2nd week of internship has passed..which means 3 more months to go..

3rd week is starting tmr though..3 more weeks till cny which i can't wait for it to come..but first i dunno what to expect from work tmr..

last week was pretty cool..supervisor was on mc the whole week which makes our time passed faster.. =)

during the 1st week of working life..the time did pass very slow..but after the 2nd week it was slightly faster..i hope this speed could increase..so my 3 months of suffering could end asap!

anyway i had fun today..went out with Joey and Yong Mun (my 2 crazy buddies at work) along with their housemate Kenny to Curve for karaoke session =) 2 hours of singing wasn't enough though..lousy RedBox -.-

well another week ahead..i mean many more..faster pass la!!!!

eLaiNe signing off with a heavy heart..

hey peeps!sorry for the lack of updates..but no one visits so i dont think anybody cares..

started internship last monday..and today is day 6..i still have about 60 sthg more days to go?

been very stress and depress lately..about work and about not being to go back to kampar..all alone here with prs.. =(

miss kampar moments..so badly T.T

anyhow life must go on..learning to became more independant and strong..i hope i can..

till then..take care all..i miss everyone of you..yes YOU!

eLaiNe signing off trying..

have you ever notice that even before we're even born..we are already in 'something'..i mean most of the time..lets see

when we were still lil sperms we are in the testicles..
then when me made it into mummy's body we are in the ovari..
as we grow we are in the tummy..
when we were born we ended up in the hospital..
we then start to grow up in a house..
we sleep in a room..
we wash up,bath,poop all in a bathroom..
we have our education in a kindergarden,primary school,high school,college and uni where we study in classrooms..
we go to places in a car,bus,taxis,train,aeroplane,ferry,boat,cruise,etc..
we eat in restaurants..
we watch movies in a cinema..
we work in an office..
we go up buildings in lifts..
we even ended up dying in a coffin..

almost everything we do..we are basically in 'something'..like a room?building?vehicle?

am i right?

think about that..

eLaiNe signing off with random thoughts..

whats decreasing?

my mood is.
holidays is.
time is.

recently my mood ain't as good as before and i'm thinking a lot..so much thoughts inside my head..feels like its gonna burst anytime!just feel like crying everything out and have a nice rest once and for all..internship will be starting on monday and i'm very reluctant to work..i just want my freedom back..this may sounds crazy or weird but I MISS KAMPAR!!!~ i really do =(

it is a place of freedom..no nagging of when to eat,when to sleep,when to bath,when to study..no saying i can't go out or what time i have to be back..ain't that nice?i'm gonna miss those times for 5 months plus..so heart breaking..back here is like jail..

i wanna go back there..

eLaiNe signing of in sorrow..